Greetings friends,
It’s been about six weeks since my last post, which I made right before entering Abhayagiri at the beginning of June. As stated the initial plan was to go for a month, and then a decision would be made for me to stay for the vassa or not.
I find it quite funny that the thing that in the end caused me to be unable to stay at Abhayagiri, was nowhere near on the list of possible disqualifiers I thought about. It was not because I couldn’t meld with the community, in fact I melded quite well and a number of monastics were disappointed I wasn’t staying the vassa.
It was the fact that, although Abhayagiri is technically not vegetarian, Ajahn Passano and Ajahn Amaro made it clear many years ago that vegetarian was preferred. Abhayagri it receives relatively little meat occasionally, something I guess I had not noticed in my previous short visits, and probably related to my assumption that in Thai forest places I never have to worry about nutrition.
It’s a shame too, because I loved my stay there. Being with community like that is something I rarely experience as a nomad, and it didn’t really exist at Bhavana either. I thought I would go through a bit of a withdrawal period, being disconnected , but from the second I arrived there my mind was at peace, and I jumped right into life with the monks.
For the first two weeks I didn’t even ask to use the computer for emails, I was enjoying being dead to the world and being in a place where I am nothing but a regular majjhima monk with no teaching or other responsibilities except the daily work, and being in a fully supportive environment for living the monastic life as purely as possible.
When I started noticing the lack of meat, I started a meat journal to judge if what was coming in was enough for me to not fall into the brain fog , low energy state I fall into after about 3 weeks at a purely vegetarian place( my policy is to to not stay more then a month at a vegetarian place). I also spoke to lay residents and monastics to get a feel as to what was normal. By the 15th however I realized that there was not.
Couple that with an hour total of climbing the mountain to my kuti each day, in an environment where 100 degree days is the norm and 115 degrees possible, I knew that it was not going to work.
I predicted that most likely sometime in the first month of vassa I would enter into that state, I was way off, because I entered into it at the start of my 4th and last week there, which made that last week quite miserable for me, but confirmed I had made the right choice.
So around the 15th I asked for a meeting with the abbot, Ajahn Nyaniko. I told him I had made the decision that rather then risking me staying months in the brain fog, low energy state and being a burden to the community that I would not stay for the vassa. I told the Ajahns that I respect this place, and my own mental clarity and sanity too much to stay.
For those of you who have not heard me talk about being in that brain fog low energy state, this is what it’s like. You wake up from a full nights sleep and instead of energy being refilled 100%, its refilled 30%, you have so little energy that your brain clarity is essentially gone, thinking about basic things becomes challenging and your ability to endure hardships is gone. Patience is gone, mindfulness is gone, and apathy dominates, including towards my sila and monastic rules and most things in general. Skillfulness goes out the window and mara reigns.
It is not a good state for me personally, or for the people around me, hence why I have made the policy of not staying at a vegetarian place more then a month, by the 3rd week I’m already in that state.
So with all that explained. I’m back in NJ for the vassa with my father and all regular activities are back. I am also setting up three weekend zoom retreats for August to October.
As for a Colorado Maggasekha Vihara drive, we are around 600 out of 1000 pledged monthly dana, getting close, but still a long way to go, I have much work to do in terms of calling places and working through some barriers, but I must say that the plan to be living in Colorado by this time next year is looking promising.
practice well and be well.
Dearest Bhante Jayasara,
I’m sure you made the right decision. I watch Abigiri frequently and could sense you were not feeling your best. It will be wonderful to be able to interact with you again. It’s very important for you to have an appropriate diet and I’m sure you will be feeling strong and energized again soon.
With metta, Becci Gurski